SNAFU

Well all is well still. Kind of like I stated in the post prior to this one, I am boring. I work and come home and count the days tillI can have my son come over for a visit.

To pass the time I talk on Yahoo IM. Not really talk. Type talk...and sometimes voice. I started chatting while I was still maried. I never really had bad intentions. I liked meeting new people and kind of creating a "friendships". I have been talking with this one woman for over 18 months now. She is married. By all accounts, its a good marriage and she is happy. Her husband is a few years older than she is. I don't think that they have that much in common. Where as me and this amazing woman are only seperated by 14 days in age. We seem to have a lot on common and enough NOT in common to really enjoy ourselves.

When we first started chatting it was a casual thing. Then one day we would up flirting and getting each other off. We had done it a few more times and then I had kind of stayed clear of flirting and being naughty with her. We stayed in contact often and then while I was moving and figuring out where I was going to move I just dropped off the face of the earth. Then I came back and she was the first one I was concerned with getting in touch with. So we started chatting again and it became a daily occurance. Still no sex talk. Just enjoying each others chats.

Then a few months ago, maybe 6, I started really liking this woman. I don't get how I allowed myself to fall into that. Not really my thing. She is just an awesome woman. We always talk about a little out of the way place that we both know of and kind of fantasize about a real meet there some time. I don't think she would ever do it. I'm not sure I could ever do that. I would however would LOVE to meet her for a beer or something.

She is always telling me how she thinks of me and what I mean to her. I love the way that makes me feel when she tells me that. But how do I still enjoy her and try to keep my distance? She is beautiful and smart.

Maybe I should just deal with it and enjoy it for what it is. She is awesome. I just have issues I guess I need to work out.

Yep, I guess I am still pathetic.

alive and well

I know nobody comes here anymore. Thats my fault. I haven't been a very good writer. Plus there hasn't been much to write about. I am still going thru my divorce. I am cool with it and just want to move on and get out of here. I still get to see my son whenever I want. He is so awesome. He is 6 now and losing teeth like a mad man. I enjoy every minute I can share with him.

I am working my ass of as always. Thats all I do. I work and come home and do it all over again. I have no life. I spend every extra dime I can on bills. I have no sex life. I masturbate a few times a week. Is kind of a good thing when my son comes for the weekend as I don't play then. So when I drop him off at the bus on Monday morning I come home and masturbate.

I bought a new laptop because my old computer was slowing down. I transferred all my files from old computer to an external hard drive. I was looking thru pictures and came across some nudes of the soon to be ex. I have no idea why, but they excite me to no end. These pictures weren't intended for my eyes. They were intended for her little fuck buddies. the thought of that drives me crazy. There are plenty of pussy pics and her great tits. Such a turn on to look at.

I will write more now that I have a decent computer and still nothing to say. I do have a situation I will write about next time.

all things considered

I am still kicking and I am sure that there is nobody that comes here anymore. I guess you need to write something for that to happen.

I am in a whole new place in my life. I am still a miserable bastard but a lot beter I think. I am kind of taking the Bruce Willis approach to this divorce thing. You know be active in my childs life and get along with th ex and "new dude". Although the ex is dumb as usual but I seem to tolerate it a bit more since I'm not sharing a bed with her.

I have also been having insane dirty dreams about having sex with my ex. I have no idea what thats all about. I mean she was great in bed and I haven't had sex since February. I am sure that has something to do with it.

I am in the process of getting a new job. The job I have now is not cutting it. I am unable to enjoy my life and provide for myself and son. I am just getting deeper and deeper into debt. I am actually not in terrible shape as far as debt goes but my credit isn't worth a shit. I need to get a job that allows me to pay my bills AND debt. Then I can eventually put some money away for that rainy day and be good to go. Then I will eventually get to move back home to MN and enjoy life.

Yes, I will be away from my son but if all goes well I will get this job I have been looking at sometime after the 1st of the year. Pays well and should get me out of debt within 6 months. I am also planning on sending a "manifesto" to the VP of the region I work in. It's a fucking joke what I am expected to do and what I get paid. Sucks so bad. So I am going to do something about it.

My son is doing great. He is a sponge when it comes to school. He is learning new thinsg every day. I went with him on a field trip a few weeks ago and had to boot the ND from going going. I told the ex that I get dibs on anything that has to do with our son. He is such a good kid I wish he didn't have to go through this shit.

So confused

I am confused. No big shocker in that statement I suppose. I have been thinking of my options as far as this divorce goes. I had the idea of doing this seperation on our own. It would cost next to nothing and we could at least get the legal seperation part started. It's been almost a year since I have lived with the ex. I had found a few places that I could get the paperwork done at for under $100. Since me and my ex have pretty much already split the assets and have a decent groundwork for child support and visitation. It just makes sense to go the cheap way for the seperation part of this.

I can then pay the money to my attorney for the actual divorce. She keeps telling me that she is not going to admit adultery. I say she needs to. That way we can get divorced right away. She can get on with her life and I can get on with mine.

Now comes a twist. I called the ex the other day and asked when our son is having parent/teacher conferences. She said none were planned as of now but would let me know. She then alos let me in on the secret of her serving me papers. Seems that she is on the same page as I am and was going to blindside me. I asked her to talk with me and we could come up with some groundwork for her to go to whoever she is going to. This way we don't waste time and I won't sign off on something I don't agree with. If we can communicate and get it good to go right away then we can be seperated.

I am thinking her plans are to move out of state with the new dude. But She can't as long as I have visitation. I am planning on heading back to the midwest as soon as I can get another job here and make some money. As soon as I do move she can go wherever she likes.

We were supposed to meet the other day but of course she canceled. I am planning on talking with her and the new dude soon. Just so they are both on the same page as I am.

Another goofy thing is that I had asked not to pay child support for a month so i could pay to get some paperwork and get a few things done for this potential new job. She said NO. Now she has changed her tune and said that I could not pay for 2 months if thats what I needed. I wonder what the 180 is all about. Maybe she finally realized that if I get a better job that means more money for her dumb ass. Thats what kills me, I have no idea what my money goes to. I know she goes to the movies and eats out all the time. I am eating ramen noodles and easy mac.

I just can't wait to get back home and enjoy my life again.

how low do you have to go?

Have you ever wondered where you money goes after you spend it? You know your cold hard cash? Have you ever recieved a bill that had a stamp on it that said, "wheresgeorge.com"? I have!

I have had a few of these stamped bills and never checked it out. I did the other day and have even entered roughly 30 of my own bills that I have. Seems that there is a crazy subculture out there and they all have these crazy goals for hits on their bills. They have jargon that I have yet to catch onto but will soon become a junkie.

The things that I have found that I do to pass my time as a newly single fella. They even have regional get togethers and swap bill tracking stories. I looked at some of the pics of a gathering in VA. There are some hot chicks that go to these things. I may have to look into going to one of those things.

Thats all I have for now. No more divorce news. Not sure what this blogs direction is. I guess I will just write what I want and we'll see how it turns out.

kick me when I'm down

I have been meaning to get on here and keep whoever is around updated. I think I have been dealing with a major case of depression....I think. Maybe I was just too lazy.

Not much is new in my wonderful life. I have good days and bad days with the soon to be ex. We have a good dialogue and I am allowed to see my son whenever I wish. Although, I was a bit startled about a month and a half ago. I had a sit down with the ex and she was asking me to hurry up this divorce process. She isn't "getting any younger" and would "like to get pregnant again soon". What the fuck is going thru her head?

Then I had asked to cut my child support in hlaf so I could pay some insurance bills. My son was gone in Philly for a month. She had agreed and then last Friday I went to pay her and she asked when I was paying back the other half. I said I wasn't!

I mean really, here is how I see the divorce going down. I am willing to take on all debt and pay child support. An amount that we agree on. Which is hard since she went to the states attorneys office to have them start garnishing my wages. I don't make a ton of money as it is. I have exactly $63 left over after all my bills are paid. That doesn't include my food or gas for the month.

I am trying to get another job that will pay me 3-4 times more than I am making now. i could work my ass off and maybe bring home $100K. But if I did just what I was supposed to do with some extra work here and there I could bring home about $60$75K. but I will have to wind up paying about $300 to get that stuff rolling. Again no help from my ex on that. So I will need to find out a way to get that money. But if all goes well, I will get things staright and start sometime around the first of the year. I would then pay off all debt and start to save so I could move back to the midwest. With the type of money I am talking about I would live like a king. One of the companys I could possibly work for pays for travel, so that gives me the green light to head back home. I would also be making enough money to pay my financial responsiblity to my son and still enjoy my life.

She always claims its not about the money but is always asking, "You have MY money?". First off, its not HER money. It's our sons money. This past weekend I had my son and was supposed to drop him off at her place. She wasn't there. i came back an hour later. There was a note on the door to drop him off at an expensive seafood place. What the hell? I am eating ramen noodles and other cheap ass food just to survive. I can't help but think that the money I dropped off for her on Friday paid for that meal with her and this new dude.

My son also started school last week. My ex started a new job that day so couldn't be there. She mentioned that new dude would put him on the bus and video it for her. I said BULLSHIT! I asked work if I could come to work an hour late and I put him on the bus. I am the kids dad. I cried the whole way to work. I also cried this weekend when he told me I was "the best dad in the whole world". He really is my life. Thats going to make me moving back home harder but I will be making enough money to bring him out there when I am off and he has no school.

Other than all that bullshit all is good. I just need to make more money for my son and my own sake. I was asked the other day why I'm not out getting laid all the time. First off, I'm not like that. Then they wondered if I had self esteem issues. I said nope. I just have NO money to go out and have fun. I work and come home. I don't have a life. I don't have my cell anymore because I can't afford it. Get another job you say? I can't, I work fucked up shift work and it really fucks me over.

Anyway, I am off to bed. I will try to write more about what is going on with me. Sorry i haven't been around much.

CONFIDENCE

I am a doofus. Maybe thats my problem. I have NO confidence anymore. I didn't think I was a negative creep but it seems that I am. Remember the whole thing about me having sex a few months back? Well, I blew that out of the fucking water.

I am trying to get a jump on bills and also be able to save some for my trip to Shenandoah. Anyway, I decided to shut my phone off for a bit while I put my money towards other things. I told this wonderful woman this and that I would have to contact or be contacted via email. She seemed cool with that. Well, I had sent her a few emails letting her know my schedule and when I was available. She never wrote me back. I kept writing. She finally writes back and tells me that she knew I was busy and had my son on days off but she wanted me to make more time for her. I responded by telling her that I was sorry but that's the way it has to be. She again seemed to understand but never heard from her. I would get man bashing chain emails and no personal emails from her. Well, this last weekend I didn't have my son on Friday and Saturday night. I sent her an email to let her know of my availabilty . I had given her more than a weeks notice of this information. I got another lame chain email and sent her an email asking that she either send me an email worth reading or take me off her list. She responded with: "Since you told me you did not have your son this weekend I've been thinking about inviting you up tonight. After reading this email I'm glad I did not. Thanks." Did I fuck up by sending this email? I don't think I did but who am I to say? The thing that really sucks is that she was talking about letting me try anal with her.

Now to where my confidence comes into question. I was married for 5 years and have been way out of the dating pool for a while. Hell, I wasn't even that sauve when I was a single guy. We have this new secretary at work and she is drop dead gorgeous. She is single, 21, and has a kid. By all accounts she is out of my league but then I think of my dating history and know that I am able to attract beautiful women. There is really no competition at work for her. All the guys I work with are married or old. She has been there for 2-3 weeks and gets a lot of attention from every guy there. It's only human. I have been playing the not interested card. Partly because I'm not. The water cooler is in her office and I will go in a few times a day and fill my water bottle and make idle chit chat. She seems to be loosening up as she gets to know everybody. She seems very cool and down to earth. Everybody says I need to try and "hook up" with her. She seems some what interested and almost waiting for me to ask her out sometime. I think I could ask her out but am not confindent enough to do this simple task. What's wrong with me? Will I outgrow this?

Yes, I did say that "partly" not interested in getting with her. So in a Nick Horny list I will tell you why.

1. She is younger than me. 21! I am almost 30 and not sure I want to get into something with someone younger than myself. Thats one of the reason I wasn't happy with my wife, she was so immature.
2. Not sure what I am looking for. Am I looking for just sex? Am I looking for a friend with benefits? Am I looking to get into another relationship?
3. Don't want to be part of work place gossip. I am not the kiss and tell type and wouldn't tell anybody at work whether or not I went out with her and especially wouldn't mention sex to them. Rumors run rampant and am sure my boss would be calling me into his office. It's not against my company's policy to date but I don't like my personal business being common knowledge. Not to mention, what if things go well and then go bad? I ghave to see this woman as long as I work there.
4. Rejection! yes, life does go on, but again I have confidence issue of late as it seems. Maybe rejection will help me become sauve. Practice makes perfect.

So there you have it! I think I will just play it cool and see how it pans out. Again she has only been there for a few weeks. I don't need to be freakin' her as soon as she walks in the door. So I think the playing cool method is the best way to go and see how it plays out. Open to any and all suggestions.

*****UPDATE*****

Well, I am now almost certain that I am not going to make it with this secretary. I was making small talk with her today and she is a "church going" woman. She will be there Saturday night and Sunday morning. I had made some comment about us going to hell and she replied, "I'm not going to hell! My savior and lord Jesus Christ will make sure of that!" I am pretty much an atheist and am guessing we wouldn't be compatible. Unless of course she wants to just have a fuck buddy. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Playing Sides

I dropped my son off this afternoon after having him for 3 days. I am just amazed at how in tune he is to what me and his mother are going through. He will always talk smack about the "new dude" and how he doesn't really like him all that much. Like I have stated he is a skateboarder and my son has taken it up. Which is fine by me. I think my son thinks it will hurt my feelings that he enjoys skateboarding with this guy. As long as my son is happy I am happy. I have brought this up to my wife and she told me that he says the same stuff about me. Told her how he really doesn't like fishing and going on our hikes. It's all bullshit. He is trying not to hurt my feelings or his mothers and "new dude".

I guess he is going to a wrestling match next month. I am not a huge fan of that but it should be fun for him. I just wonder what my soon to be ex is doing. There is no way in hell I ever watched wrestling and I know she isn't into it. Kind of makes me wonder what the hell she is with him for. Oh you know besides, "he has more going for him", than I do.

I am now on my crappy shifts at work and will only see my son for about a day and a half in the next 14 days. It sucks but then I get to see him a whole bunch in a short amount of time. I think I am going to take my son to Shenandoah in June. Will be nicer and should have a good chance to see some of the wild life we are looking for.

It's all good. I just need to make more money. Resumes are out.