kick me when I'm down

I have been meaning to get on here and keep whoever is around updated. I think I have been dealing with a major case of depression....I think. Maybe I was just too lazy.

Not much is new in my wonderful life. I have good days and bad days with the soon to be ex. We have a good dialogue and I am allowed to see my son whenever I wish. Although, I was a bit startled about a month and a half ago. I had a sit down with the ex and she was asking me to hurry up this divorce process. She isn't "getting any younger" and would "like to get pregnant again soon". What the fuck is going thru her head?

Then I had asked to cut my child support in hlaf so I could pay some insurance bills. My son was gone in Philly for a month. She had agreed and then last Friday I went to pay her and she asked when I was paying back the other half. I said I wasn't!

I mean really, here is how I see the divorce going down. I am willing to take on all debt and pay child support. An amount that we agree on. Which is hard since she went to the states attorneys office to have them start garnishing my wages. I don't make a ton of money as it is. I have exactly $63 left over after all my bills are paid. That doesn't include my food or gas for the month.

I am trying to get another job that will pay me 3-4 times more than I am making now. i could work my ass off and maybe bring home $100K. But if I did just what I was supposed to do with some extra work here and there I could bring home about $60$75K. but I will have to wind up paying about $300 to get that stuff rolling. Again no help from my ex on that. So I will need to find out a way to get that money. But if all goes well, I will get things staright and start sometime around the first of the year. I would then pay off all debt and start to save so I could move back to the midwest. With the type of money I am talking about I would live like a king. One of the companys I could possibly work for pays for travel, so that gives me the green light to head back home. I would also be making enough money to pay my financial responsiblity to my son and still enjoy my life.

She always claims its not about the money but is always asking, "You have MY money?". First off, its not HER money. It's our sons money. This past weekend I had my son and was supposed to drop him off at her place. She wasn't there. i came back an hour later. There was a note on the door to drop him off at an expensive seafood place. What the hell? I am eating ramen noodles and other cheap ass food just to survive. I can't help but think that the money I dropped off for her on Friday paid for that meal with her and this new dude.

My son also started school last week. My ex started a new job that day so couldn't be there. She mentioned that new dude would put him on the bus and video it for her. I said BULLSHIT! I asked work if I could come to work an hour late and I put him on the bus. I am the kids dad. I cried the whole way to work. I also cried this weekend when he told me I was "the best dad in the whole world". He really is my life. Thats going to make me moving back home harder but I will be making enough money to bring him out there when I am off and he has no school.

Other than all that bullshit all is good. I just need to make more money for my son and my own sake. I was asked the other day why I'm not out getting laid all the time. First off, I'm not like that. Then they wondered if I had self esteem issues. I said nope. I just have NO money to go out and have fun. I work and come home. I don't have a life. I don't have my cell anymore because I can't afford it. Get another job you say? I can't, I work fucked up shift work and it really fucks me over.

Anyway, I am off to bed. I will try to write more about what is going on with me. Sorry i haven't been around much.